Hello Family and Friends!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays to you all!!! I’ve never really sent out Christmas cards before, but this year I decided to get motivated and give it a try. I have always LOVED reading those long, exciting, riveting, and fascinating letters that families send along detailing how their year went, and how Jimmy, Bobby, Susie, and Sally are doing in school, and all the great things they have accomplished. They really tug at my heart strings. So I thought, why not do one myself to accompany my card? Sure, I’m a single guy that lives by himself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do all sorts of exciting things throughout the year!
The year started off well, when I used a gift from my parents last Christmas to put towards new tires for my car. The best part, I had a coupon for buy 3 tires, get 1 free. I was so proud of myself that day. I even got an oil change the same day, so it was like killing two birds with one stone – only one trip to the auto shop! I remember driving home that day and thinking how lucky of a guy I was to live this amazing life.
Shortly after was Valentine’s Day of course. I remember the day well. I picked up a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon on the way home, along with a DiGiorno Pizza. The thing I love about a DiGiorno is that I can usually save a couple slices for the next day. It’s a real treat. Anyway, I proceeded to kill the 12 pack while watching “The Notebook”, my favorite Valentine’s Day tradition. You might think I sound like an alcoholic for finishing the whole 12 pack, but c’mon, you know how watery PBR is, and how tough it is to catch a buzz off it. Don’t play games with me and pretend you don’t.
As the seasons began to change, the sun started to rear its beautiful face again. My favorite thing to do on those beautiful, sunny days after work was to go home, lock the door, lay on the couch, and start knocking some shows off my DVR. It got a bit annoying when the sun came in a certain way and cast a glare on the tv, but after a while I was able to position the drapes just right to keep it out. I also spent a lot of time playing video games, even though I am now 28 years old. One of the highlights came when I scored a 33/5, Kill/Death ratio in an online Call of Duty match, my best score ever. I was so excited I wanted to run down the road screaming, but all I was wearing at the time was a pair of boxers that had a hole in the crotch. Next time I guess.
Sometime during the middle of the summer, I received great news in the mail. It was a $10.00 JCPenny coupon. I was close to throwing it in the garbage, since they usually say you need to spend $50.00 or something, but luckily I read it carefully. You didn’t have to spend a thing. It was like a free ten bucks!! I rushed right over to JCPenny and got a 12 pack of Gold Toe socks, and they only ended up costing me 46 cents! It felt so great to be alive that day.
I also spent a lot of time going to the movies this year. I get pairs of free movie passes as gifts all the time, but since I have no friends that return my calls and definitely don’t have any female companions, I go by myself and get TWO movies out of the pair! SUCKAZZZ!!! Going to the movies by yourself isn’t that bad. I went to see the new Harry Potter, which was awesome. Some parents sort of glared over at me thinking the chubby, balding, unshaven guy sitting in the dark by himself watching a movie based on a children’s book might be a pedophile, but I didn’t sweat it. I even tried to be nice by offering one of the kids some candy, but his mother grabbed his arm and ran screaming from the theater. I thought that was kind of rude.
Speaking of female companions, it was a really great year on the dating front. I really got out and played the field. I got this online dating app for my iPhone and started talking to all sorts of girls, like, immediately! One sent me an email asking for my credit card info so she could help her rich uncle from Dubai come to the USA. She said he would repay my thousand dollar donation with a million dollars when he got here. It sounded good, but personally, I thought it was a lot to ask for on a first date. I met another girl who invited me to her house after just a few minutes of messaging back and forth! She wanted me to stop by Home Depot to pick up some rope, a saw, garden gloves, and some large garbage bags on my way over. I was almost out the door when I realized I left my wallet at work that day. What a bummer…she stopped responding to my messages after that.
I did get to spend a lot of time with friends though, or at least stalk them on Facebook. It was great to look at pictures from all the cool parties I wasn’t invited to the day after they happened, or weddings I didn’t attend. Also, I’ve had a great time looking at all the new baby pictures from that one girl in high school I never even talked to. It’s like I’m part of the family! Oh, and that girl from college that became a stripper? I follow her on there all the time! It’s like I’m friends with a celebrity! Oh wait, no, she actually is a waitress at a strip club…and that’s, like, totally not the same as being an actual stripper. Trust me.
As I write this, I watch the snow fall outside and think about how I’ll be out of breath and close to passing out from doing 20 minutes of shoveling in a little while. I’m also thinking about that three quarter full, open can of beer that’s been sitting on my coffee table since last night and if it’s okay to drink. Meh, I’ll give it a shot. You only live once. Cheers everyone!
Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! If you’re reading this, I care about you just enough to know you’d get a kick out of this. Keep in touch, nutjobs.
Love,
Chris/Big Willy/Rivers
