“Oh, well excuse me, Mr. 8th Grade English teacher!”
This is usually the arrogant response I get when I try to correct someone’s grammar or spelling. Well excuse me, Mr. Numb Nuts Who Can’t Even Communicate in His Native Tongue – I was just trying to help you not look like a total retarded waste of life to your friends and family on a daily basis.
Seriously, what the hell happened to this country? Do you realize we now have machines that spell words correctly for us if we’re too stupid to do it right the first time? So what happens when Robbie Retard types “tommarow” into his iPhone? Does he see the auto correct come up as “tomorrow” and actually takes the time to discard it, assume the computer is WRONG, and continue on his path to future McDonald’s cashier? Seriously – just typing TOMMAROW as an example was a hassle! I had to undo the auto correct, and then ignore that red squiggly line underneath it. Well, to those who get all pissed off when I take the time to correct them, I have two words: SCREW and YOU. Don’t you realize I’m doing you a favor? Don’t you realize how stupid you look when your six year old cousin Sally can get through a Facebook status update with less errors than you?
“SMH at people tryin to fix my grammer” – this is an example response you’ll get when trying to correct someone. First off, I am embarrassed to even know that SMH means “shaking my head”, but who the hell are you shaking your head at, bitch? Me, for trying to help carry you across the river of idiots to the land of mediocre intelligence? Or yourself, for being embarrassed at your own stupidity? Also, there’s nothing better than someone spelling “grammar” incorrectly when they’re trying to boss up on someone for insulting their actual grammar. Plus, I get really confused when it’s spelled wrong, because I assume it could be one of three different things:
“SMH at people tryin to fix my grandma” – Some rednecks pronounce “grandma” as “grammer”, so you could just be an idiot who spells everything phonetically. And yeah, I’ll fix your grandma – with a swift kick to the head for NOT LEARNIN U HOW TO READ AN STUFF DURRRRRR
“SMH at people tryin to fix my gummer” – Dude, I don’t need to know the details of your twisted sex life, let alone help your mistress Mabel at the bingo hall please you. You sick bastard.
“SMH at people tryin to fix my grammar” – oh, okay, you just meant your grammar.
The best is this theory that it’s not cool to be smart, so dumbasses decide to make themselves look stupid. This is, of course, a phenomenon that stretches back to your high school days, when you were pushed into lockers just for knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re”. “Hey durrrrrrr look at the smart kid durrrrrrr!!! I don’t have time to read because I’m too busy preparing for that NFL career I’ll never have and chasing tail. I am so sweet!” Funny thing is, I saw that dude the other day. He was pumping sewage at the end of my street. I spit in his face and cursed him out. At least I did in the daydream I had about it later when I was sitting at my desk.
Ebonics has made this phenomenon even worse. I saw a statement on twitter the other day that read, “Bout to go to da store to git me some of dem M&Ms for dis game” – holy shit where do I even start with this? First, it’s obvious you know the correct way it SHOULD read. After all, did you write your term papers in high school in this fashion? “Let me tell you bout dis dude Thomas Edison. He invented dat lightbulb an shit.” OBVIOUSLY NOT. So now comes the question everyone is afraid to ask when it comes to street slang – are you purposefully making yourself sound stupid? If so, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON. Seriously, how does that make you look cool???
Before I sign off and let you wade back into the cesspool of stupidity, here are a few adjustments you can make to fix your bad habits today, with example sentences:
Your vs. You’re: “Hey Cletus, your Aunt Mabel was over here. She said you’re late for your weekly gummer!” Also, it’s “YOU’RE WELCOME” - YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Every time I see “Your Welcome” in an email on a daily basis I want to bash my head through my monitor.
Their/There/They’re: There are plenty of numb nuts who tie their brain in knots with these three words. They’re pretty much beyond help at this point. I wish their parents just did us all a favor at the onset and left them in that dumpster over there.
