Merry Christmas!

Hello Family and Friends!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays to you all!!!  I’ve never really sent out Christmas cards before, but this year I decided to get motivated and give it a try.  I have always LOVED reading those long, exciting, riveting, and fascinating letters that families send along detailing how their year went, and how Jimmy, Bobby, Susie, and Sally are doing in school, and all the great things they have accomplished.  They really tug at my heart strings.  So I thought, why not do one myself to accompany my card?  Sure, I’m a single guy that lives by himself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do all sorts of exciting things throughout the year!

The year started off well, when I used a gift from my parents last Christmas to put towards new tires for my car.  The best part, I had a coupon for buy 3 tires, get 1 free.  I was so proud of myself that day.  I even got an oil change the same day, so it was like killing two birds with one stone – only one trip to the auto shop!  I remember driving home that day and thinking how lucky of a guy I was to live this amazing life. 

Shortly after was Valentine’s Day of course.  I remember the day well.  I picked up a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon on the way home, along with a DiGiorno Pizza.  The thing I love about a DiGiorno is that I can usually save a couple slices for the next day.  It’s a real treat.  Anyway, I proceeded to kill the 12 pack while watching “The Notebook”, my favorite Valentine’s Day tradition.  You might think I sound like an alcoholic for finishing the whole 12 pack, but c’mon, you know how watery PBR is, and how tough it is to catch a buzz off it.  Don’t play games with me and pretend you don’t.

As the seasons began to change, the sun started to rear its beautiful face again.  My favorite thing to do on those beautiful, sunny days after work was to go home, lock the door, lay on the couch, and start knocking some shows off my DVR.  It got a bit annoying when the sun came in a certain way and cast a glare on the tv, but after a while I was able to position the drapes just right to keep it out.  I also spent a lot of time playing video games, even though I am now 28 years old.  One of the highlights came when I scored a 33/5, Kill/Death ratio in an online Call of Duty match, my best score ever.  I was so excited I wanted to run down the road screaming, but all I was wearing at the time was a pair of boxers that had a hole in the crotch.  Next time I guess.

Sometime during the middle of the summer, I received great news in the mail.  It was a $10.00 JCPenny coupon.  I was close to throwing it in the garbage, since they usually say you need to spend $50.00 or something, but luckily I read it carefully.  You didn’t have to spend a thing.  It was like a free ten bucks!!  I rushed right over to JCPenny and got a 12 pack of Gold Toe socks, and they only ended up costing me 46 cents!  It felt so great to be alive that day.

I also spent a lot of time going to the movies this year.  I get pairs of free movie passes as gifts all the time, but since I have no friends that return my calls and definitely don’t have any female companions, I go by myself and get TWO movies out of the pair!  SUCKAZZZ!!!  Going to the movies by yourself isn’t that bad.  I went to see the new Harry Potter, which was awesome.  Some parents sort of glared over at me thinking the chubby, balding, unshaven guy sitting in the dark by himself watching a movie based on a children’s book might be a pedophile, but I didn’t sweat it.  I even tried to be nice by offering one of the kids some candy, but his mother grabbed his arm and ran screaming from the theater.  I thought that was kind of rude.

Speaking of female companions, it was a really great year on the dating front.  I really got out and played the field.  I got this online dating app for my iPhone and started talking to all sorts of girls, like, immediately!  One sent me an email asking for my credit card info so she could help her rich uncle from Dubai come to the USA.  She said he would repay my thousand dollar donation with a million dollars when he got here.  It sounded good, but personally, I thought it was a lot to ask for on a first date.  I met another girl who invited me to her house after just a few minutes of messaging back and forth!  She wanted me to stop by Home Depot to pick up some rope, a saw, garden gloves, and some large garbage bags on my way over.  I was almost out the door when I realized I left my wallet at work that day.  What a bummer…she stopped responding to my messages after that.

I did get to spend a lot of time with friends though, or at least stalk them on Facebook.  It was great to look at pictures from all the cool parties I wasn’t invited to the day after they happened, or weddings I didn’t attend.  Also, I’ve had a great time looking at all the new baby pictures from that one girl in high school I never even talked to.  It’s like I’m part of the family!  Oh, and that girl from college that became a stripper?  I follow her on there all the time!  It’s like I’m friends with a celebrity!  Oh wait, no, she actually is a waitress at a strip club…and that’s, like, totally not the same as being an actual stripper.  Trust me.

As I write this, I watch the snow fall outside and think about how I’ll be out of breath and close to passing out from doing 20 minutes of shoveling in a little while.  I’m also thinking about that three quarter full, open can of beer that’s been sitting on my coffee table since last night and if it’s okay to drink.  Meh, I’ll give it a shot.  You only live once.  Cheers everyone!

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!  If you’re reading this, I care about you just enough to know you’d get a kick out of this.  Keep in touch, nutjobs.

Love,

Chris/Big Willy/Rivers

Grammar

“Oh, well excuse me, Mr. 8^th Grade English teacher!”

This is usually the arrogant response I get when I try to correct someone’s grammar or spelling.  Well excuse me, Mr. Numb Nuts Who Can’t Even Communicate in His Native Tongue – I was just trying to help you not look like a total retarded waste of life to your friends and family on a daily basis. 

Seriously, what the hell happened to this country?  Do you realize we now have machines that spell words correctly for us if we’re too stupid to do it right the first time?  So what happens when Robbie Retard types “tommarow” into his iPhone?  Does he see the auto correct come up as “tomorrow” and actually takes the time to discard it, assume the computer is WRONG, and continue on his path to future McDonald’s cashier?  Seriously – just typing TOMMAROW as an example was a hassle!  I had to undo the auto correct, and then ignore that red squiggly line underneath it.  Well, to those who get all pissed off when I take the time to correct them, I have two words:  SCREW and YOU.  Don’t you realize I’m doing you a favor?  Don’t you realize how stupid you look when your six year old cousin Sally can get through a Facebook status update with less errors than you?   

“SMH at people tryin to fix my grammer” – this is an example response you’ll get when trying to correct someone.  First off, I am embarrassed to even know that SMH means “shaking my head”, but who the hell are you shaking your head at, bitch?  Me, for trying to help carry you across the river of idiots to the land of mediocre intelligence?  Or yourself, for being embarrassed at your own stupidity?  Also, there’s nothing better than someone spelling “grammar” incorrectly when they’re trying to boss up on someone for insulting their actual grammar.  Plus, I get really confused when it’s spelled wrong, because I assume it could be one of three different things:

“SMH at people tryin to fix my grandma” – Some rednecks pronounce “grandma” as “grammer”, so you could just be an idiot who spells everything phonetically.  And yeah, I’ll fix your grandma – with a swift kick to the head for NOT LEARNIN U HOW TO READ AN STUFF DURRRRRR

“SMH at people tryin to fix my gummer” – Dude, I don’t need to know the details of your twisted sex life, let alone help your mistress Mabel at the bingo hall please you.  You sick bastard.

“SMH at people tryin to fix my grammar” – oh, okay, you just meant your grammar.

The best is this theory that it’s not cool to be smart, so dumbasses decide to make themselves look stupid.  This is, of course, a phenomenon that stretches back to your high school days, when you were pushed into lockers just for knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re”.  “Hey durrrrrrr look at the smart kid durrrrrrr!!!  I don’t have time to read because I’m too busy preparing for that NFL career I’ll never have and chasing tail.  I am so sweet!”  Funny thing is, I saw that dude the other day.  He was pumping sewage at the end of my street.  I spit in his face and cursed him out.  At least I did in the daydream I had about it later when I was sitting at my desk.

Ebonics has made this phenomenon even worse.  I saw a statement on twitter the other day that read, “Bout to go to da store to git me some of dem M&Ms for dis game” – holy shit where do I even start with this?  First, it’s obvious you know the correct way it SHOULD read.  After all, did you write your term papers in high school in this fashion?  “Let me tell you bout dis dude Thomas Edison.  He invented dat lightbulb an shit.”  OBVIOUSLY NOT.  So now comes the question everyone is afraid to ask when it comes to street slang – are you purposefully making yourself sound stupid?  If so, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.  Seriously, how does that make you look cool???

Before I sign off and let you wade back into the cesspool of stupidity, here are a few adjustments you can make to fix your bad habits today, with example sentences:

Your vs. You’re:  “Hey Cletus, your Aunt Mabel was over here.  She said you’re late for your weekly gummer!”  Also, it’s “YOU’RE WELCOME”  - YOU. ARE. WELCOME.  Every time I see “Your Welcome” in an email on a daily basis I want to bash my head through my monitor.

Their/There/They’re:  There are plenty of numb nuts who tie their brain in knots with these three words.  They’re pretty much beyond help at this point.  I wish their parents just did us all a favor at the onset and left them in that dumpster over there.

To vs. Too:  Too bad I can’t send this directly to all the idiots I’d like to.  Also, if you think I need to include “two” as a companion example here, you’re too stupid to read my blog.

Office Weirdos

Most of the weird happenings of an office setting have been exaggerated and made fun of on “The Office” or in “Office Space”, but the incredibly scary part of it all is how close to true most of those characters are.  The other day I was at work wondering if all offices were as weird as mine, or if I was just deemed “special” at some point and granted the privilege of working with such remarkable people.  I came to the conclusion that the workplace is truly a cross section of society – but you just notice stupidity and incompetence in more detail because, face it, you would never associate with these people in real life long enough to get to know them.  You’re just forced into a 6x10 cube and asked to somehow mesh with these people. 

It’s the ultimate twisted anthropology experiment, and most of us spend over 50% of our waking hours with these crazy SOBs – more than our own families!  So if you’re going to spend so much time with them, you might as well get to know them.  But seeing how we’ve already established that the office is just a cross section of society, these can apply to anyone you encounter in your everyday life.  You’re just lucky enough to have the privilege of actually getting to know them more:

The “Way Too Happy to Be at Work” Person – this person is usually the first in the office and already two cups of coffee deep by the time you get to your desk.  Similar to Medusa, eye contact with this person may reduce you to a puddle of goo.  This is why on your way to the coffee pot for that all important cup number one, you look straight to the ground and count the carpet fibers as you pass his/her desk.  Of course it usually doesn’t help.  Not only will that son (or daughter) of a bitch still give you a hearty “HAPPY MONDAY!” but they’ll decide it would be a good idea to accompany you to the kitchen for that first cup.  The conversation will usually go something like this:

Crazy Coworker: “So, what did you do this weekend?”

You:  “Nothing.”

Crazy Coworker:  “Awesome!  Well on Friday I went home and made my wife a beautiful dinner and then we played Yahtzee with Hank Mardukis and his wife Yolanda for hours on end…We got a LITTLE CRAZY and finished a bottle of wine between the four of us so around 9:00 it was time to pack it in and call it a night…On Saturday we took the kids over to the pumpkin patch and little Joey got his picture taken with a pumpkin that was the runner up for biggest pumpkin at the county fair two years ago – real big moment for us…I spent the afternoon working on the new caboose for my model train set…On Saturdays we like to treat ourselves to a nice night out, so we splurged a bit and went to Swiss Chalet for dinner, and followed it up by checking out the new Billy Crystal movie…Sunday was a lazy day for us – we spent the day watching a marathon of Antiques Road Show and baked all different types of cookies.”

If you made it all the way through that story without zoning out, this lunatic will probably ask you again what you did this weekend, forgetting that you started off the conversation by keeping this information to yourself.  Imagine the look of terror on their face if you told them what you really did this weekend – got blind drunk, stayed out until 4am, and went home with a fat girl, only to wake up the next day at 2pm, watch porn, and eat Cheez Doodles all god damn day while watching a Rocky movie marathon.  Who knows, maybe a story like that would keep that nosy bastard at bay.

The “Dieter” – always the fattest person in the office, but sure to let you know they are on a diet at all times.  When the birthday cake comes out they exclaim “OMG Calories!  I can’t eat that I’ll blow up like a balloon!”  Well guess what waste-of-life, you’re already as big as the damn Hindenberg, so I don’t think another thousand calories will hurt.  After the other fat bitches in the office urge her on, she decides, “Okay, okay, just ONE little piece…ooo I’m being BAD today!!!” and walks back to her desk with a slice of cake resembling a giant wedge of cheese from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Apparently The Dieter didn’t realize that there is only one meal during the workday either.  Their meal schedule usually consists of some monstrous sausage sandwich for breakfast, and as an afternoon snack, a bucket full of chocolate covered pretzels.  It’s all okay though, since they go with a “light” lunch in the middle – a nice salad!  Well, guess what, fattie?  It’s cheating if you throw six cut up BBQ chicken fingers and a gallon of blue cheese on that salad.  If this pig is eating like this in public, imagine how much time elapses between the time they get home and before they’re on the couch, two knuckles deep in a jar of Nutella.

The Proud Mother – ah yes…pretend to be interested in pictures of her ugly alien baby lying in a crib.  Even if you manage to avoid the constant picture exhibition and cell phone videos, you’ll still be forced to overhear the same story of the baby waking up and crying in the middle of the night because there’s an ear infection going around while it’s told to six different people by lunchtime.  The amount of child pictures in Proud Mother’s cube borders on pedophilia.  She also seems to be constantly breeding in order to use the maternity leave to its full benefit. 

Proud Mother has also mastered the art of using the child as a crutch for time off.  At least one Monday a month you get, “Thurman is sick with the chicken pox!  I need to stay home!”  Meanwhile that dirty liar is probably running around the mall going shopping while the kid is as healthy as can be drooling all over some crayons at day care.  There also always seems to be an emergency at 2:00 on a Friday afternoon – “I need to leave early!  The day care center is on fire!”  No one ever second guesses Proud Mother’s time away from the office either.  She’s like Gandhi – completely immune from criticism.

The Creepster – Usually a guy in his late 30s-early 40s, single, and incredibly smelly.  I always picture Creepster’s apartment looking like Ray Finkel’s attic from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.   Blood on the walls, an old tv just playing static, and garbage everywhere.  His desk at work isn’t much different.  There may be a dozen coffee mugs growing mold because he’s too lazy to bring a few home and clean them, and maybe some dirty socks hanging out under his desk from that time he showered in the bathroom sink.  Speaking of the bathroom, he also likes to spend 20-30 minutes on the bowl, two to three separate times a day, while the other males in the office are left in horror as they walk into the bathroom to witness sounds and smells similar to the scene in Jurassic Park when they’re helping that injured, moaning Triceratops lying next to that 6 foot high pile of dinosaur shit.

Even though The Creepster is left out of invites to office happy hours, he still manages to sniff them out and hide in the corner staring at people.  The women in the office are terrified of him.  One of the only times of the year he will engage in conversation is the day before Valentine’s Day, when he will ask the women of the office if they have any plans.  This effort to catch some desperate, pathetic tail usually doesn’t work, so the women are left in fear staring into their rear view mirrors on the drive home hoping The Creepster isn’t following them.

Of course there are many more office characters, but I’ll stop here.  Do you have any you’d like to add?  Feel free to post them below.

The Supermarket

Nothing ruins your weekend more than a trip to the supermarket.  I don't know about you, but I don't wake up thinking, "I can't wait to go to a place with loud noises, smelly human beings, and lobsters swimming in a tank awaiting death!  Oh, and I forgot the best part!  I get to hand them $150 at the end of it all for the pleasure of doing so!"  Sure, you get food in exchange for that money, but most of it will just sit in your pantry for about three years anyway.  I've had a can of Bush's Baked Beans in my cupboard since I've moved in.  It's not that I don't like baked beans...I actually enjoy them very much.  The problem is, I don't even have a damn can opener.  In my retarded logic it is much easier to simply buy cans with the pop top than actually spring for a can opener.  Yes, I am this lazy.

The Supermarket War starts as soon as you enter the parking lot.  Just as countries try to establish rally points during a war, people parking their car at the supermarket need to find a spot as close as possible.  God forbid the morbidly obese people of America get an extra 20 feet worth of exercise.  There are idiots in this world who will pass up a parking spot for one that is literally four spots closer, even if it means waiting for someone to unload their entire cart of groceries, and a baby, into the car.  Forget the fact that this ceases all activity around them.  These assholes will hold up all traffic in and out of this specific aisle just for the satisfaction of getting the better spot.  I won't even get into the asinine battles that take place for a specific parking spot; the Mexican Standoffs between two morons for the feeling of supremacy that only a true douchebag would savor.  I usually park further away to avoid all of this bullshit.  I enjoy that extra 20 feet of exercise.  In my warped universe of zero care towards physical fitness, this is the equivalent of a half hour on the treadmill. 

The best way to describe food shopping is like an adult version of bumper cars, except that all of the adults are zombies or assholes. I've noticed that there are a few different categories of grocery shoppers:

The Old People:  These geriatrics insist on slowing everyone else in the place down to a halt.  Whether it's knocking on a cantaloupe, meticulously checking every egg in a carton, or touching every banana immediately after blowing their nose into their disgusting handkerchief, old people are in the supermarket simply to make your life miserable.  I haven't even mentioned those in the scooter-cart things that like to park perpendicular across the aisle, stopping all thru traffic, while they weigh the differences between brand name prune juice and generic prune juice.  And don't count the fatasses that use these carts simply because their fat.  Old people need these because they are old.  Fat people need these because they are fucking lazy and have no self esteem or desire to better their lives.  Being fat is fine...I actually dig the people that are fat and just don't give a damn because they just love food, but at least have the decency to walk upright like the rest of us human beings.

The Young Couple:  This usually is a pair of twenty-somethings that are still in the early stages of puppy love and just going through the trials and tribulations of living together.  Sometimes they even hold hands while perusing the deli counter.  "Look at us!  We're so cute shopping together!"  This makes me sick.  What pisses me off even more is when there is some incredibly hot chick shopping while her boyfriend follows behind with this look on his face like he is in the 7th stage of hell.  Dude, at least you're going home with that hot chick.  I'm a single guy pushing a cart around filled with Hot Pockets, Hamburger Helper, and beer.  Suck it up, douchebag...life isn't so bad.

The 40-Something Mom:  Truly the champion of grocery shopping.  While dad is home watching the kids and trying to watch football at the same time, this warrior is methodically working her way through the aisles cutting down any and all in her way.  Taking your time to decide whether to buy Heinz or Hunt's ketchup?  Mom doesn't give a shit.  She'll hip check you out of the way, grab the family size Heinz with one hand and a bottle of mustard with the other.  By the time you've even realized what's happened, she's already grabbed 17 cans of tomato puree and a few cans of tomato paste for good measure.  If this woman happens to be a MILF, this is strangely sort of a turn on.  If the apocalypse ever hits, I am paying a 41 year old mom to be Sacajawea to my Lewis and Clark as we traverse the dangerous rapids of the supermarket.

The Stoner:  This guy just enjoyed a wake and bake, and before he sinks into the sofa to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs all day, he decided he better stock up on some munchies.  No cart needed, a basket will be sufficient to load up on as much beef jerky, candy bars, and mozzarella sticks as possible.  This guy usually wears a hat to try to hide his bloodshot eyes, but everyone except the old people know exactly what's going on.  Sometimes you will find The Stoner lost in the bulk foods section, trying to decide between pistachios and whoppers.

The Single Guy/Single Girl:  I lump these together, only because they are exact opposites.  Single Girl will spend most of her time in the produce section, or the organic food aisles.  She is focused on eating healthy and having snacks to eat before she goes to the gym, as she concentrates on keeping her looks up to attract a wealthy man that will support her for the rest of her life.  Single Guy, however, can be found in the meat section, or frozen foods.  His cart is an embarrassing display of total disregard for personal health.  Single Guy can sometimes be found in the produce section, but only to peruse the Single Girls that are there.  He may buy some romaine lettuce or fresh green beans, which will sit in his fridge until they go bad.  Single Guy usually fantasizes about randomly going up to Single Girl and chatting about produce or favorite recipes, before Single Girl finds his charm irresistible.  Shortly after, Single Guy wakes up, grabs another box of Easy Mac, and goes on his way.

There are plenty of other species of shoppers, but I won't take the time to mention them all.  If you have one, feel free to mention them in the comments below.

The last obstacle before you're home free is the most difficult one - the checkout.  If you've managed to make your way through your shopping experience without any human contact, first of all congratulations.  However, the bad news is, you will now be forced to exchange pleasantries with some pimply faced teen, or a 78 year old woman as your cashier.  If you've managed to strategically pick the correct lane, you now have to get all your shit on the conveyor belt.  You know, the shit you've taken an hour to load into your cart.  It all comes out, just so the cashier can put it back in again, so then you can take it out and put it into your car, which you then take out of your car and bring into your house, which you then take out of the bags and load into your kitchen.  First though, you have another run in with the 40 year old mom, who is in front of you and keeping a watch on you from the corner of her eye.  If you don't throw down that plastic divider before putting your shit on the belt, you better believe she'll slap it down as fast as possible.  No way she is letting you steal her Honey Nut Cheerios...that shit is little Lucy's favorite cereal and she'd rather smash your skull against the candy shelf than show up at home to discover Lucy crying because she forgot the Cheerios.

If you're smart enough to use a credit card and avoid coupons, you may be able to make it past the cashier without even having to say a word.  The only thing standing in your way are the people at the instant lottery machine, blocking the exit.  These are the semi-homeless people who have just cashed their welfare check at the customer service desk and will now proceed to pump all of it into $60 worth of scratch offs, of which five of them will be dollar winners.  If you manage to dodge them and ignore the stench of the can/bottle return machines on your way out, you now only need to navigate some asshole camped out for a parking spot before you victoriously reach your car.

Once you manage to get your $150 worth of crap into your trunk and get on the open road, take a deep breath.  You have survived one of the most brutal tests we have as humans.  Savor those groceries as long as you can, because in a couple more weeks, you're headed back to the battlefield.

Shit, I love grocery shopping.

I'll be back with a new post as soon as I think of something new to bitch about.  For now, gotta run...I need to make some Hamburger Helper.